Short Story: The Blue Planet

Paul walked up and down the corridors of his space station. He was certain he had forgotten something, but he couldn’t seem to remember what.

“Are you sure I remembered everything?”

He asked his assistant, a small fat woman with thick glasses. She didn’t need the glasses. She only wore them because she thought they made her look more intellectual. It was this very intellectual look that caused Paul to hire her in the first place.

“Yes, I am positive,” she said, struggling to keep up with him. “Everything is in place. You’ve got more than enough oxygen, the engine is filled to the brim, and the team ensures the ship is flight-worthy. No, there can’t be anything that you could have forgotten.”

Paul sighed.

“How long before the tourists arrive?”

His assistant checked her watch.

“About five minutes.”

“Well, then we’ll just have to forget about whatever I forgot,” he said and walked towards the space station's entrance.

 

***

 

The tourist bus arrived just as he exited the space station. It was a black bus covered in an image of the night sky. Big blue letters covered both sides of the bus:

 

The Blue Planet

Paul had decided that it would be a good idea to advertise his business on the side of his bus even though this advertising method had been around for centuries. Unfortunately, this only drove many customers away, seeing as advertising in public spaces was generally considered vulgar.

Fortunately for Paul, he lived in a vast and interconnected galaxy, and there were always those customers who were able to look past his business's failings. Even so, Paul’s business was failing, and Paul’s unique approach of ignoring all conventional business advice was not helping.

The first to exit the bus was a tall man with one big eye in the middle of his forehead and no nose, then something that looked like a walking flower, then a man with two heads, and then a family of small fat dwarves. Paul couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw them exiting the bus. He had only seen pictures of them before. No, it couldn’t be. His father had told him tales about them, but he never thought he would meet any. They were grumpians. They were known for being the grumpiest people in the universe.

“Well, here goes,” he told his assistant.

With an air of false confidence, Paul walked up to his customers and said:

“Welcome to The Blue Planet.”

“Are we on the blue planet then?” the man with the one big eye asked.

“No, you daft idiot,” one of the grumpians said.

“Yes, we aren’t on the blue planet… yet. If you’d follow me, I’ll lead you to the spaceship with which I’ll take you there.”

Paul led his guests to Old Reliable: a spaceship that had been in Paul’s family for generations. Despite its age, it still functioned perfectly. Today was Old Reliable’s birthday. It had been exactly a hundred years since Paul’s great-grandfather had bought Old Reliable. But this was not what Paul was forgetting. In fact, he was planning to throw an enormous party the minute he came back from his trip to commemorate what he considered to be a historical event (he thought that this would help attract more visitors. Both his assistant and his family strongly advised him not to waste his money on such nonsense, but he soberingly adhered to his plans, just like he always did). No, it was something else he was forgetting. If he only could remember what it was.

“Sorry about the spaceship. It’s an old-fashioned model, so it would take us a while to get there, but in the meantime, please pick a seat and we'll take off in a few minutes.”

“And exactly how long would it take this relic to get there?” one of the grumpians grumbled.

“About half an hour,” Paul said.

“What! Half an hour?” the grumpian shouted. “Why are you wasting my time like this?”

“Calm down, sir. The planet is forty light-years away, and this is a very old ship.”

“This planet better be bloody worth the trouble, or I want my money back,” he shouted, pointing a finger at Paul's face. “You mean to tell me that this hunk of junk can only travel at eighty light-years an hour?”

“Don’t worry. When you see the planet, you will want to pay me extra,” Paul said as confidently as ever.

“I seriously doubt that,” the grumpian said and went to take his seat. “But if this planet isn’t as good as you say it is, I want my money back.”

“Trust me, you won’t be saying that in about half an hour,” Paul said as he walked to the front of Old Reliable to start the launch procedure.

***

 

This trip to the blue planet was by far the most stressful trip Paul had ever undertaken. He had spent almost the whole half hour listening to the grumpians complaining, and he was getting sick of it, but luckily for him he was seeing a little blue and green dot on the horizon. He then made an announcement:

“We are almost at the planet. In a few minutes you will be seeing the most beautiful thing you have ever set your eyes on. Unfortunately, the planet is classified as being barbaric, so we will have to land on its moon.”

“What!” one of the grumpians bellowed. “We’ve come all this way and we aren’t even going to land on the bloody planet. Now, I really want my money back.”

At that moment, the man with the two heads who was sitting in front of the grumpian turned around and glared at the grumpian.

“I’ve had it with your complaining,” he said.

“Well, ok then,” Paul said. “You’ll have to excuse me for a while so I can land the ship.”

He walked back into the cockpit, and about two minutes later the ship landed on the moon. If only he could remember what he had forgotten. Maybe he forgot to bring enough gas masks. He opened the drawer under his control panel and saw that he had more than enough gas masks. Maybe he didn’t forget anything. He picked up all the gas masks and walked into the passenger area. The minute he entered he noted that something was wrong: the grumpians weren’t complaining any more. They were all staring at the two-headed man sitting in the front row. He made a mental note to thank him later on. Paul held up the gas masks.

“Because the moon has no atmosphere, you will have to wear these to be able to breathe,” he said.

“Do I really…” the nearest grumpian began, but then he saw the two-headed man staring at him and stopped himself.

After he handed the gas masks out to everybody, he went to the front of the room and said:

“Ok, everybody ready to go? Any questions?”

“Yes, I have a problem,” the walking flower said. “I don’t breathe oxygen. I breathe carbon dioxide.”

“Oh, I see,” Paul said. “Well, you just press this small button at the side of the gas mask,” he said and pointed at a small button on the gas mask he was holding in his hand.

“Any more questions?” he said.

The man with the one eye then said:

“Yes, I have one. What is breathe?”

Well, it’s something you do with your nose…” he began, but then he saw the man’s noseless face and said, “You don’t breathe, don’t you?”

“Of course I don’t breathe. I don’t even know what breathing is.”

“Well, then you won’t be needing this,” he said and took the man’s gas mask away.

“Any other questions?” he said.

He then waited for a while, and when no one responded, he put his gas mask on and said:

“Well then, let’s be off.”

Then he opened the spaceship's door and climbed out of it. When he was outside, he saw the blue and green planet hanging in space in front of him. No matter how many times he saw this, it always seemed to amaze him. He saw that the rest of the people were equally amazed by the sight. Even the grumpians were staring at the planet in amazement.

“Well, there you have it,” Paul said once everyone was off the spaceship. “Earth. The Blue Planet.”

Paul was just about to accept the money when a white spaceship landed next to him. The spaceship opened a door, and out of the door a man climbed, saying:

“One small step for man, one giant leap for…”

He saw Paul and the tourists and fainted.

“Oh, so that’s what I was forgetting,” Paul said.